Adjacency Pair at Couples Therapy
by Mandy Krüger
If you open Google and type in ‘adjacency pair’ you will get about 184.000 results. Basically, they all look the same: boring tables, long texts and the same sources all over again.
Now listen to this: You will get an exclusive inside look into the minds of an adjacency pair! Listen to what first and second part have to say about each other and you will come to understand what an adjacency pair is really about!
Mr. and Mrs. Part – An Adjacency Pair at Couples Therapy
Dr. Wise: So, what can I do for you?
Second Part: We don’t actually need to be here.
First Part: Yes, we do.
Dr. Wise: (to First Part) Why do you think you should be here?
First Part: (sighs) You know, when we married I thought we were kind of meant to be together…. always complementing one another.
Dr. Wise: In what way?
First Part: Well, in fact, like we do right now: You ask a question and I answer. It’s perfect, you know, two utterances successfully produced by different speakers. It’s simple really but she doesn’t manage it anyhow.
Second Part: Yes I do! It’s just not always the answer you expect.
Dr. Wise: Can you elaborate on that, Second Part?
Second Part: For example, he invites me to dinner, right? Having already reserved a table and everything. But, you know, it’s Thursday night and Sex and the City is on HBO. So naturally, I refuse. And he’s pissed.
First Part: Because it’s not the answer I wanted.
Dr. Wise: So you would say that you have certain expectations of her answer should be like?
First Part: Well, of course! Like most people I prefer an acceptance over a refusal. I want her to agree to what I have to say instead of disagreeing. Natural, isn’t it? And very economic!
Second Part: Oh, no, not that again…
Dr. Wise: Can any of you fill me in?
Second Part: (speaks before First Part has the chance to answer) Yes, I can. Smart as he thinks he is, he says that he immediately notices if I am going to use a dispreferred second or not – because of the delay with which my answer comes and the use of announcers like ‘uh’ or ‘well’.
First Part: More importantly though, and that again shows that you did not get the actual point, is that these kinds of second parts are marked since they are structurally more complex than preferred answers. I mean, compare a simple “Yes, sure.” to a “No, sorry, I really appreciate your invitation but unfortunately I have to watch Sex and the City, yada-yada-yada…”
Dr. Wise: I see, so you say that dispreferred seconds need to include some signs of appreciation or apology which in turn make the answer longer.
First Part: Yes! And reasons! You should give reasons for why you reject the other person. And if you ask me, I think that watching reruns of a TV show which you already know is no good explanation….
Second Part: No one asks you! But let’s come back to what he said before – about how I should always agree to his first parts. Yesterday he came home from work and was really frustrated because his boss turned down his reconstruction concept for the city center. So he came to me and showed me the plans, the estimates and so on and said ‘I haven’t done well, have I?’ So I said ‘No, you haven’t’ because I thought that was what he wanted to hear – that I agree with him. But then, he started to make a scene saying I would not support him at all and that I don’t know anything about his needs and the rest of the day we did not speak a word.
First Part: Damn it, yeah, because it was impolite! In this situation I would have preferred that you’d disagree, maybe saying something like ‘Nonsense. Of course, you did well!’
Second Part: I could also say nothing at all!
First Part: (angry) Then you would ruin the whole conversation!
Dr. Wise: (soothing) Now let me interrupt here, shortly. First Part, I want you to think about possible situations in which you and Second Part worked in harmony, so not as separate parts but as one adjacency pair! What would come to your mind?
First Part: (thinking) Well, let’s see… If I greet her, she greets back. Same goes for saying goodbye. Where I come from, that is called reciprocal, by the way. Oooor… if I apologize, she normally accepts. I mean, she sure could refuse but it would probably make me feel bad and who would want that? (chuckles) Oh and if I request her to turn of the light so I can go to sleep she usually does and stops reading. (silence) In fact, if I come to think about it in more detail, she’s pretty good as a second part.
Second Part: (a little bit embarrassed) I’ll do my best, you know. I mean, I want to keep up the conversation, too and it’s not always my intention to be impolite.
Dr. Wise: And be also aware that to disagree with each other, to say no to wishes or even to refuse an offer doesn’t necessarily mean that the other person wants to offend you! Sometimes such reactions can open up new topics for conversations and thus new perspectives on certain things.
First Part: I think she’s right, isn’t she?
Second Part: Yes, I think she is!
Dr. Wise: (smiles) Now that was a good adjacency pair, wasn’t it?
Sources:
- Pätzold, Kurt-Michael (2003). A Survey of Modern English. London: Routledge, Ch. 6
- Slembrouck, Stef (1998-2000). “Adjacency Pairs with (Dis)Preferred Seconds”. English Department Universiteit Gent. 20.06.2010 http://bank.ugent.be/da/ap.htm
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